I’ve never written a post while depressed which is pretty dangerous. It makes me dwell on these thoughts which might make the depression last longer and make me start to believe a feeling that is completely false. But sometimes depression makes true feelings that are often so mild they exist only in the subconscious into something that when it enters the conscious mind it completely takes over you and your emotions. Your whole world shatters around this one thought that was there all along but it’s just too painful to deal with so you hide it at the back of your mind. Allowing the thought to come to the surface and exploring what it might mean can trigger a full depressive episode lasting days.
For some time now I’ve felt a deep and painful loneliness when I go to see some of my favourite bands. It’s just the people I’m surrounded by – either musicians or fans – are considerably older than me and my younger age and inexperience and lack of knowledge about their favourite bands makes me feel left out. To be honest some of them aren’t even that much older than me. I’m in my late twenties and most of them are mid to late thirties. Now if I had a lack of interest in them I’d be fine but I have this longing to belong, to just chat about the types of things they chat about and have the same musical tastes. There might be some people there around my age maybe even younger but their whole musical background is significantly different.
I just feel left out. Even my good friends have more in common with these bands because they’re closer in age and it’s just not similarities in music taste but almost everything. It’s like how most people around my age all grew up either playing SEGA, Nintendo 64 or Playstation One or watching the same children’s shows or even the lame kid’s movies we used to watch. Or basically listened to Triple J in the late 90s. How could I ever compete with that when I wasn’t even aware of much of my surroundings at the same time my older friends we’re pretty much growing up with the same experiences?
At most of these gigs I go to I just sit alone and slowly sip my beer as I wait for the opening act to start so I can start taking photos and be distracted from my insecure thoughts.
I can just see myself sitting at the bar at one such gig, turning to gaze longingly at a crowd of people I desperately want to know but have no idea how to even go up to and say hi or what I’ll say after, so I look away, turn back to my glass of beer and as I stare into it trance-like I continue to dream about the life that I so long after, happening just a few feet away from me.
I have made many attempts to meet the members of my favourite bands and sometimes they’ve been friendly, sometimes they’ve been overly friendly and sometimes they just downright reject me. I’ve had to face rejection from my peers many times over the years and by now you’d think I’d just be used to it but it really does leave a deep painful scar when a musician you’ve looked up to since you were very young shows no interest in even talking to you. If the pain doesn’t recede or comes back with a sharp sting every time I think over the situation, sometimes the only way to move on is to give up on that person and liking their music.
I hardly know anyone around my age in every friendship circle I have. I really don’t have much to say to them except for the chance I happen to be taking photos of a band they might know. I’ve found out the hard way that having high intelligence at gigs especially it hardly matters. All my knowledge in physics, film, science fiction and even naming types of aircraft isn’t sought after and people rather I didn’t talk about it at all.
I do have a friend who is older than me but has been listening to the same music as me for years. The emo/punk/hardcore scene was the only music scene I actually felt I belonged in but the scene as I knew it is over and I can never go back. At least, what is around now is somehow different or doesn’t feel the same, or maybe I no longer need to feel a part of it because when I did feel anything for it was at a time when I was making that transition from a twelve year old (a lil bit of a jab to my emotional immaturity and youthful look) to adulthood, and it helped get me there. Within this scene I was finally able to make friends on my own. No being dragged around by my siblings and their friends and no forced play dates.
My somewhat oppositional tendencies make me an involuntary enemy of the anything that becomes too common and I seek out anything different to the point of never being able to accept that I like something at the same time as the majority. I constantly argue, constantly contradict myself and reject those things I would usually love just to remain the lone wolf.
So maybe I deserve to feel this isolation, or maybe the isolation is a result for seeking out people completely different from me whom I can never fit in with. Either way I probably deserve it.
But like I said I have just one friend to share my similar music tastes with; wolves run in packs, small ones. We share many other interests too despite there being a rather large age gap between us. But she can’t be at every gig with me and distract me from my insecure thoughts. I wish like her not knowing much about the music our favourite bands are influenced by didn’t faze me, but it does.
I spend a lot of time isolating myself from the world, not on purpose though. Lately I’ve been underwhelmed by local music news and I hardly have any interest in the tours being announced. Things are picking up but for about three months I’ve been finding new things to occupy myself with while I wait. I’m working on a screenplay and writing a whole bunch of blog posts as the ideas come to me almost daily, sometimes three separate posts come at once. I have to stay at home and write or else I’ll go insane with so many thoughts and the feelings attached to these thoughts going around my head.
As much as I know that I’ll never fit in with these certain types of bands and the people who listen to them I’ll still find myself going to shows, taking photos and hoping to get some feedback from the fans and bands.
I don’t know why I have to torture myself by dwelling on these thoughts and why I still continue to see the same bands. Yes, I love the music and yes I am a photographer but I can’t give more than that. I just end up watching other fans going up to bands and talking to them as though they barely thought about it, at least as not as much as me. I know I shouldn’t dwell so much on it or even have those thoughts at all. Even if I’ll never fit in I’ve got strengths in other areas. My writing and ability to soak up every fact from the Marvel Universe is a place to start, or even my passion for science. I’m not a bad photographer or artist too. I could be wrong about them as well. Maybe they don’t hate me as I suspect but are waiting for me to go up and talk to them. It’ll never happen unless I push myself and that never seems to work out for me.
That’s really one of the main reasons I don’t want to go out to a gig at the end of the week; I don’t belong there at all. I like the music and I think I could take some good photos, but my usual anxieties about going to an unknown venue away from the city and the fact I’ll just have that longing to belong all night long, is making me think I shouldn’t go at all.
However next week the next gigs for me are Jimmy Eat World/Panic at the Disco/Alkaline Trio and AFI/Crosses and I have applied to take photos of AFI. And even though I no longer feel a part of the emo scene I can at least relive the memory of my few short years of living in it by watching the same bands as I would have all those years ago. It doesn’t even matter if I don’t end up taking photos of AFI – although I would be pissed off at first – just seeing them alive with a new group of black clad kids with similar haircuts will be enough. I even get a chance to see Chino Moreno in Crosses. He was my hero when I was a fourteen year old Deftones fan. I even started to dress like him.
I won’t often write something so personal and emotional but it was on my mind and I just wanted to see if I could write something while going through a severe depressive episode. After I’m done writing this and posting it the episode should be over.
Hopefully, I can work on my ‘Kids on Speed?’ review and update you all on my screenwriting progress.