I Don’t Fit in Anywhere

It’s not that I don’t fit in a certain music scene. I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m too oppositional; even when people welcome me in I will always defy. I may not defy to the point of being a danger to society but it’s harming my own personal relationships.

I may have been drinking tonight but it’s clear to me that I don’t fit in anywhere. I’ll always try so hard to be different without realising it, so what’s the point?

I have been dealing with extreme anxiety with daily suicidal ideation. I just can’t adjust to a new situation and pretend everything is ok.

No one understands it. Everyone expects me to be able to chat and be merry. Well, I can’t always do that. I’ve been dealing with so much lately and I can’t even explain some things. I don’t even know how. The nature is so very personal and unusual I don’t know how people will take it.

So maybe tonight I risked yet again another friendship due to this illness. I just can’t keep fighting it and pretending everything is ok.

I just shouldn’t even have friends, I guess, if I keep ruining my relationships with them.


2 thoughts on “I Don’t Fit in Anywhere

  1. Man, that’s seriously hard for you. You are so very aware of yourself and your limitations, I can’t help but think that you are so close to finding the right thing, or group of things to help your thoughts and anxieties settle down just enough to get you through a social interaction. I can’t even begin to pretend that I really understand what you are going through, but I really and truly hope that your great ability to self reflect will be the eventual key to finding the right help. As for not fitting in… I guess we all feel a little of that sometimes, and it sucks even for someone who doesn’t have a mental illness. I just hope that you know that being different doesn’t ALWAYS have to mean that you don’t fit in… sometimes you just have to find the right group of ‘different others’ 🙂

    • Thanks. This was more a reaction post to something that happened and I may not have explained myself properly. I am currently working on another post that gives more details. I guess you can say that even when I find someone I relate to I will try to be different. I don’t always do it but I do it enough that it begins to worry me. My worry about not fitting in comes from having a social delay and attention and emotional regulation problems that makes it difficult for me to build more social skills. If I just had more of a social instinct like most others do I think I would be able to do better. I actually have to learn the rules from other people and try to apply them when I talk to people. I think I would do better with a certain group of people. I think I might find them in a comic book store.

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