It’s not that I don’t fit in a certain music scene. I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m too oppositional; even when people welcome me in I will always defy. I may not defy to the point of being a danger to society but it’s harming my own personal relationships.
I may have been drinking tonight but it’s clear to me that I don’t fit in anywhere. I’ll always try so hard to be different without realising it, so what’s the point?
I have been dealing with extreme anxiety with daily suicidal ideation. I just can’t adjust to a new situation and pretend everything is ok.
No one understands it. Everyone expects me to be able to chat and be merry. Well, I can’t always do that. I’ve been dealing with so much lately and I can’t even explain some things. I don’t even know how. The nature is so very personal and unusual I don’t know how people will take it.
So maybe tonight I risked yet again another friendship due to this illness. I just can’t keep fighting it and pretending everything is ok.
I just shouldn’t even have friends, I guess, if I keep ruining my relationships with them.