A few things have changed since I wrote my last post about being transgender. I’ve decided to call myself Sanjay instead of Shaun because I really don’t want to be ashamed of being Indian. It would just feel weird having all my brothers and sisters with Indian names and me with the most western name you can think of. I have a thing about given names too. So I’m Sanjay Upendra Roy. Nicknames SJ, Jay, Sans, Suhn and the Big SUR. Ha, I’m kidding about that last one. My middle name was my dad’s given name but he went by Acharya because he was a spiritual teacher and I hold no such position to take that name, even as a nickname. I’ve since seen a girl who has Acharya as a surname though.
So, I still haven’t taken hormones. I keep delaying it over skin breakouts and any slight sign of illness. I’ve come to the point where I have realized that my skin and health will never be perfect and I may as well just see what hormones do to me when I am in less than perfect health.
The worst part about medically transitioning I think is waiting. Waiting to get approved, waiting to get prescribed and then wait for all the changes to happen. I think I have made it to step two. But there’s still a lot of waiting time in between. I’m just trying to stay patient and preoccupy myself with other things.
I’ve sort of made a short cut with getting approved for hormones. The clinic I go to shows lenience to people who are so desperate to get on hormones because of the intense dysphoria they feel. But it’s still not a complete approval. But I’m told my psychologist can do the psych eval and I’ll probably have that on Tuesday.
The transgender community has been really helpful with helping me feel wanted and loved and valid but I think it focuses on too many negatives. I mean if arguing and sometimes mocking transphobics helps them then all power to them, but I find it more triggering hearing those people’s opinions so I’m backing out of any discussion about it. I don’t have to prove my worth to people who hate me. I don’t have to prove the science behind being transgender. They can think I’m mentally ill. I’m mentally ill in other ways so it’s not the worst thing to be told.
Not all of us in the transgender community agree on the same things and it’s disheartening to see people stamp all over your views and treat you like you’re as bad as the haters. We all have had different experiences and have different opinions. I’ve grown tired of people telling you how to think and the word policing on social media. I know I’ve done it myself and I just think it really starts more arguments than ends. At the end of the day it’s how you treat people that should be more important than what words you use. There will always be someone over sensitive to word usage. I’ve seen that in the autism and disability community and it’s in the trans community as well. I often ignore it because no one can tell me what to do. I’m a respectful person who believes in diversity. I’m not sexist/racist/homophobic/transphobic/ableist etc. Speaking of ableism I think people call anything that they feel slightly offended by as ableism. There comes a point where you just need to realise the problem is you’re just too sensitive to words and it’s your own problem. And I’m saying that to myself as well. I once tried to stop or de-educate the ‘eugenics mindset’ but it’s far too late for that. The damage has been done over 80 years and now we just need to treat those with mental illness and disability better than our ancestors did. I’m taking myself out of the eugenics debate.
I’ve also come out as gay. It’s hard for a trans guy (and even trans girls) to live as a gay person particularly when pre-hormones because you’re not yet ready to start dating your preferred romantic partner. At least I’m not. It also makes me wonder whether I want to be stealth (not revealing I’m transgender). In the trans community I feel stealth trans are looked down on, because they’re not really out about being trans. But there are many types of trans who don’t fit the mold of your typical transgender person and those people are constantly told they are valid, so I’m here to say stealth trans are valid too. We all express our identities in our own way and even before joining the community I knew I didn’t want the label as transgender. I don’t think I’ll be stealth just yet but once I feel I pass enough I will, because it’s my own damn life.
I’ve held in a lot being on social media so what you’re reading here is some brutal honesty. Why can’t people just accept you as you are and not try to change things about you just to fit their image of how you should be? People have always tried to change me. They tried to make me seem more feminine, neurotypical, less nerdy and now an acceptable version of transgender.
But because of my pathological demand avoidance syndrome I reject them all. But I in no way identify with my PDA as fellow PDAs want me to. PDA is not me; it’s the monster inside me. The monster makes it hard for me to get along with people, start romantic relationships and it severely limits my experiences in life.
The post is a jumpy ADHD mess but it’s all I’m capable of writing at the moment, so it’s the best you’re going to get.