Inspirations

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Inspiration can come from the strangest places and from the most unlikely people; be it an actor or a rock band. They help you get through a difficult time or set you on a new path. They can make you see yourself in new light or encourage you to think creatively.

Recently when I lost my job I at first thought I could get through this but the truth was I couldn’t. I fell into a different kind of depression. Usually my depressive episodes are short and very intense and I have some very upsetting and worrying thoughts, and then it’s over. This depression was so mild at first I didn’t see that it was depression.

Like many others I saw Prison Break and The Flash actor, Wentworth Miller’s reaction do someone making a hurtful and body shaming meme of him. We all know how it went: he revealed he had depression and seeing that meme really made him to want to end his life, but instead he came out and just explained how it made him felt and the situation he was in and was met with a lot of positivity from sufferers of depression or from people who have been body shamed or just all round decent folk.

Since then I always kept Wentworth in mind. I knew him from The Flash and DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. When I saw him as Leonard Snart in Legends of Tomorrow I started to see him in another way. I saw his struggle, the pain in his face. Whether it was really there or not didn’t matter. I related to him. He was just like me, going through the same things and his job was something I wanted to be.

But I wasn’t inspired to be an actor. I’ll get to that soon.

After I lost my job I felt defeated. I couldn’t just continue the jobseeking. I really couldn’t continue much anymore except play videogames, read comic books and binge watch The Flash, Gotham and Arrow. At times I would think how would Wentworth get through this?

The next thing that happened was I lost my confidence as a band photographer and started to avoid going to shows that I could photograph without media access. I decided to look up Wentworth’s Facebook page. There I found that he was helping to raise awareness about depression and I got to learn his story. I followed his page and most days I would find posts about positivity and self-care. His personal posts were so gentle, non-judgmental and with an open mindedness I’ve not seen in a long time.

When I found out he was a screenwriter I wondered how could he write when he was so depressed, but then I decided to give it another go and even though I went with writing a novel before the screenplay, it made me feel better. Wentworth’s posts also helped me admit that I had depression at all, something that I would only admit to as a part of my cyclic moods. Then, after writing on his page that it wasn’t difficult to admit to people that I didn’t think I could do my band photography anymore, I started to tell people.

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I’m happy to say my confidence in my band photography has been restored since I photographed Anti-Flag, and because they share my political views I’ve been listening to them, following them online to keep me motivated. However, The Liberal National Party and One Nation have given me plenty of reasons to stay motivated; The Adani Coal Mine, cuts to welfare, lockout laws, climate change denying, etc. And because they’re an angry punk band they’ve also made me feel ok about not always being modest and inoffensive to people. In training myself to have adequate social skills I had to learn to see things from different perspectives, this turned me into the most polite and agonizing person to debate with, as I never said anything to get people angry and never reacted with anger. But as someone affiliated with socialist parties and fighting for change, this poker face persona I put up just doesn’t work. It’s ok to be angry, especially about the injustices happening in the world, insult people (as long as they’re from the LNP and voted Pauline Hanson) and use emotive phrasing.

I would not have these views if it wasn’t for a certain lead singer by the name of Dennis Lyxzén. First when he was in The (International) Conspiracy and then I went back to listen to his former band, Refused. Funny thing is Refused are now his current band and T.(I).N.C is his former band. Everything I believe in, the whole way I view the world, especially the blindness of society and the deception of the media, is because of him. I was inspired to read up about Marx, Guy Debord, and The Situationist International because of him.

It was guitarist of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, Tom Morello that introduced me to Phil Ochs though and for that I am so very very grateful.

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It wouldn’t be right to not mention Phil Ochs on his birthday. Phil did not just sing folk songs that resonated with the far-left but the people he wrote about, he empathised with them deeply. It was almost like he was a storyteller and achieved what many authors try to accomplish: to go into the very psyche of the people you write about, that you become them. Some of his songs are real tear-jerkers for that reason, like The Spanish Civil War Song, There But For Fortune, What Are You Fighting For and Hands. Even his songs about J.F.K can make you feel something deeply for the slain President. It could be that folk music itself is very emotional with its soft guitar strumming and gentle-voiced singer, or it could be all the variables.

Phil’s story is a sad one and one I relate to. His most personal songs cannot be listened to by me when I’m going through depression without keeping a dry eye. There will never be another Phil Ochs in my opinion. He was one of a kind and too good for a world that doesn’t care.

Inspiration for storytelling can come from just about anywhere. Damien Walter is a writer I look up to and consider a teacher. My dad held the title of an Archarya (teacher) as a yogi. Would I go as far to call Damien, Archarya? He inspires me to keep writing my stories. I watch a lot of science fiction, read a lot of it and read comic books and watch its inspired shows, and this helps inspire some ideas or themes in my writing. I first was inspired to be a writer during the Russell T. Davies era of Doctor Who. First, I was inspired to find out every inch of Doctor Who lore I could find. Second, I found Russell’s stories so emotionally heart-jerking that I wanted to become a writer myself.

I’ll give you a bit of explanation here: as an autistic person I don’t express a lot of emotion, I feel them very strongly but it’s a jumbled mess of sensations rather consciously understanding what they are (alexithymia), or rather this is how it was before. When around other people I got the same mess of sensations from them. I finally get to see how people use and respond to emotions because of the contained environment I’m in and my 100% engagement in the show. This is basically how I learn social skills.

The most inspirational of stories in TV and film are through science fiction. I’m often confused as to why Star Wars is so popular. I enjoy the movies, they are a fun sci-fi romp but they don’t inspire me to write. I get that from Star Trek, Stargate, Doctor Who, Ender’s Game and most science fiction stories that have more themes than just a fight against good and evil, and they need to have quite a lot of detailed scientific explanations in them. I call it nerd porn, ha. It’s more about the challenge of making these very complex ideas work in science fiction that excites me about them. Like time travel stories. I used to avoid writing about them because I got confused by them, but after playing Quantum Break and reading about how they explained it all it made so much more sense, so now it’s a challenge I take on.

However, while playing Star Wars: the Old Republic I did get somewhat inspired to create background lore.

Game developers Bungie also inspire my writing. Their lore for the video game Destiny comes from a lot of Greek mythology. The fact that they use this mythology and turn into a fantasy inspired science fiction world makes me want to create something like that on my own. The stories in video games are so cinematic these days many have inspired me to write stories.

There was actually a book that I was discouraged to read, the Book of Enoch and the Apocrypha in general. I was raised in a Christian home where Marxism, evolution and the Apocrypha was frowned upon. So naturally, the first chance I could find out about that stuff I did. And The Book of Enoch is especially inspiring to me because of its fantasy themes and it feels rebellious to make that the central focus for my first novel. It’s not your usual mythology used in science fiction so there’s an air of originality using it.

I could probably mention more people, books, films, issue #133 of Batman that inspired me but I won’t.

Why I Stopped Taking Photos

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I want you to think about that one special skill you have. Something that makes you you, something you can’t live without. Everyone has one. It could be you’re a natural and talented artist or a skilled athlete. You could be a math genius, a captivating storyteller or a gifted actor. Everybody has that one thing they’re good at but some people haven’t yet discovered what it is yet. Ok so, think about your job. You’re good at your job; otherwise you wouldn’t even have it. You could be a graphic designer, or maybe you’re just really really good with people so work in sales. Or maybe you just do something basic that isn’t really that demanding and is actually enjoyable. Now what if one day you couldn’t do your job or you lost that one skill that everyone knew you for. It made them look up to you. It was the one thing that made you get up in the morning, it was all you lived for and now it’s gone. That happened to me.

It just took one night of forced motivation to make myself do something I wasn’t feeling up to and I ended up screwing up so much that I can’t even stand to even try again. OK, I’m going to stop being vague. I’m a band photographer. I’ve been taking photos for 11 years. I’ve been capturing rock moves under the colourful and dancing stage lights. I captured emotional moments that are easily missed from standing back in the crowd. A missed moment that now exists forever in a million ordered pixels. So how could I one night mess that up on a monumental level? And why is it keeping me from ever trying again? Am I so scared of failing I’ll never try again? Well, yes. Failing hurts. But this isn’t just limited to my band photography, it pervades to every part of my life.

This all started when I lost my job after just working there one day. It was the most basic and menial job that they usually give to immigrants who can’t speak fluent English. Those are the only jobs I can get. The jobs no one else wants. And I can’t even do them. My communication is stunted by my autism. My energy is exhausted in a matter of hours because of chronic fatigue. I feel like my whole body is falling apart and I’m feverishly and hopelessly trying to hold it together. No doctor or scientist can restore it to what it used to be. Am I overreacting? Maybe, but sometimes it feels like no matter what I do to help it it won’t be enough.

So lately I’ve been in a state of apathy. I don’t care about getting another job, mainly because I don’t think I can take being fired again. I’m not talking of disappointment but something far deeper on a psychological level. I basically gave up on my goals. For years I’ve just been trying to reach both short and long term goals but now it all feels like it’s for nothing. I get moments of motivation and creativity but it doesn’t hang around long enough for me to really do anything with it. And I’m not a person who can exist without creating something or making something out of myself.

I’m still trying. I’m still planning to overcome this fear of never taking the same quality photos again. I mean, that seems like such a small thing but the thing is it’s my only skill – no, not only skill – it’s the only skill that I can actually do with the energy and motivational limits I have. I’ve started to think about working on screenwriting too but the same issues come up. It’s a project that relies on self-motivation and organization. It takes commitment. And the final pitch takes high level communication skills, and you have to accept failure over and over again.

Breaking the Bonds of Overprotection

We hear it a lot these days how children are being wrapped up in cotton wool or about the helicopter parents who can always be seen hovering near them, structuring their day including their playtime and never looking away for a second. Child experts say that it’s creating a generation of adults being ill prepared for the challenges of the world.

Now imagine an autistic adult being treated like that. Oh sure, I hear you with your ‘but it’s understandable, they don’t understand enough about the world and do require extra help.’ I agree to a point. See I was that over protected child. Not long ago I felt like I needed it because being autistic I was behind many children my age but even those with special needs need to grow up and acquire skills to help them navigate throughout this world.

Those skills were not learned while I was young. I have this suspicion that I was just expected to just get it when I was old enough. Maybe I was to pick it up from my peers. When I left home at 25 to live with my sister I was suddenly thrown into independent living without having the slightest clue about what I was to do, so naturally I had a breakdown. In the autistic community we call them shutdowns, they are commonly known as nervous breakdowns. Triggered by extreme anxiety both the body and brain shutdown, slow down, as if one was recovering from an epileptic seizure but there is lasting damage to the brain and recently acquired skills are lost. It’s happened to me about three times. How I am still alive is beyond me and every time I have had to build up lost social skills and even had to learn how to take things less literally. But there have been changes that I have not overcome or don’t think I ever can; I’m less coordinated, my previously internal meltdowns are as loud as the planes that fly overhead my Inner West home and my emotional regulation is completely out of whack.

But still I go on. I feel like I’ve spent a lifetime on the disability pension. A few years ago I developed PTSD and every kind of anxiety you can think of, and probably those that are yet to be discovered. I have depression too but I can survive the most agonizing day of depression more than I can get through another panic attack. Both feel terrible but both I have to deal with in order to continue living. Sometimes I mean that literally.

I’ve overcome a lot between the ages of 26 to 29 and I’ve still got much more to overcome. The latest was being too afraid to go to a music venue after some helpful fellow thought it was a good idea to grab me by the arm and tell me to stop taking photos. I couldn’t stay out in the open after that so I went backstage and filled up on cans of beer from Darren Middleton and Guy Pearce’s rider. Yes, I was working with them that night and had every right taking photos of them. It was both the best and worst night of my life. Then I took about 3 months off taking photos of bands because of the panic attacks I had every time I tried to leave my house. One of my friends wasn’t happy about that, said I bailed on them one night while I was shaking uncontrollably on the floor, the door knob just feet away from me.

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It’s not always been that bad for me and there have been times where I’ve just wanted to go out and live a life as normally as I can, even get a job just to see that I can, but this is when various members of my family have reminded me that I wouldn’t be good at that job or I couldn’t cope with it. It’s not just about jobs but owning my own house or living in a share house, studying something like physics, script writing and even photography online (hint hint).

Yes, it happened to me recently about two courses I wanted to study. One was the most part-time course you could give a person that involved learning script writing at NIDA. I went through all my usual preparations at such a big change in my life. I budgeted my money, planned a good way to save more money so when the fee was taken out of my account I wouldn’t worry about going broke and starving to death (quite a common worry with me), and I even got familiar with my new bus route. Then I was told it wouldn’t be right for me, that I couldn’t handle it. I was heartbroken and the next person who told me the same thing got a rather agitated reaction from me. I even began to stutter and the words just wouldn’t form into sentences. That’s also a very common thing to happen with me.

One of these people, ok my sister, suggested I look for a TAFE course on script writing and photography and even though I was still upset they didn’t believe that I could manage myself in a short NIDA course I went along and looked up the courses. I actually got a phone call from Open Colleges when I put my interest into the Professional Script Writing course and had a chat about what I wanted to get out of the course, but it seemed my plan to get work after the course might not have been the best path to take. Then it was recommended to me to take a photography course, so I considered it. The next time I saw my sister she again said that it might not have been right for me. I wasn’t just heartbroken but depressed. My other sister that I yelled at the night before was already on board with the idea – yelling at someone really does make them try to take your point of view a bit more seriously. But still one sister didn’t think I could handle it.

Their concern was understandable (even though a few years ago they denied I had any medical or mental problems) but the worst thing you can say to an adult with autism is that they won’t be good enough. It’s funny that there was a time where I would have loved for people to take my impairments seriously and now that they do I want them to lay off. I might have difficulties but I’ve had them for almost 30 years, and I’ve developed new skills and overcame many obstacles just to get to a place where I finally feel ready to study those courses that will give me enough knowledge and confidence to launch my career, finally.

I’ve been unemployed for a very long time that I’m actually over doing nothing all day but playing video games or watching TV. There were some attempts at becoming the next best Science Fiction author but I stopped taking that medication and the mania is gone and now I realise that’s probably not the best way to write. I got a lot of encouragement for it then but people didn’t realise what was going on in my brain at the time and it wasn’t healthy. I went through a down period after that and people wondered why I was not pursuing the writing or the photography or anything. This was when people denied I had any problems, it was also when I almost OD’d on Ritalin.

Now they deny that I’ll be able to manage doing a full on course of study. It’s funny to me because they are pushing me in other ways. Take flying. I’m terrified of flying on planes. It’s not so much the flight that worries me, but the airport and the breaking of my routine and being away from the sanctuary that is my house and going to a place completely new and alien to me. In other words I’m scared of change. They tell me I’ll probably be ok, some even say I’ll get addicted to travel. But you know what? This Certificate in Digital Photography is me getting on a plane. If they think I’ll be ok flying to another country then they’ve got to let me take risks and do something they don’t think I’ll be able to manage.

about three times. How I am still alive is beyond me and every time I have had to build up lost social skills and even had to learn how to take things less literally. But there have been changes that I have not overcome or don’t think I ever can; I’m less coordinated, my previously internal meltdowns are as loud as the planes that fly overhead my Inner West home and my emotional regulation is completely out of whack.

Feeling Defeated

I've got the sads like my dog Bear does here

I’ve got the sads like my dog Bear does here

Recently I had missed out on taking photos of two bands that I really love, and I think I’m about to miss out on a third this weekend. It hurts a whole lot more because I choose to take photos of the bands I don’t just like or love but obsess over. That’s not a bad thing. You know, I’m just like a teenager who sticks up posters of all their favourite bands and relates some lyrics to their own situation. The music I listen to is more than background music or tunes to just enjoy; they provide themes to my own moods, energy levels and even identity.

From time to time I do miss out on photographing my favourite bands, either from a lack of media access to their shows or being unable to make it to the gig for some reason. The first band I missed out on photographing was The Living End, who I have loved since I was 10. If you think teenage obsessions with bands were big when I was 10 The Living End was my whole life. They were my young autistic special interest who I not just listened to but soaked up any information about. It was really heartbreaking to not get a photo pass to one of their gigs. I even wished I could have loved another band as a child over them; one that wasn’t so hard to get media access to.

The second band was The Ape. My new favourite band and introduction to the music of Tex Perkins. I was also going to travel to Melbourne for the first time if only the tickets to the gig weren’t so expensive because the flight was also going to cost a lot. It was kind of the next big step for me because when my sister was talking about going to the airport I had so much anxiety and felt so overwhelmed by all the information being told to me my head plummeted to the table, and I was shaking until I contacted one of the band members to see if I was allowed to get in to take photos, and get a plus one for my sister because the tickets were really expensive. I’m still not sure if I was allowed to take photos or not, but as the tickets came with meals and drinks and it seemed unlikely I could get on the guest list and eventually I started to become anxious about going, I decided to mope at home and play video games instead.

The next gig I applied for media access to is Rock the Gate, a concert standing against coal seam gas mining. One of the acts playing is Tex Perkins and the Dark Horses. The headliner is Pete Murray and that would probably really help expose my photography to a wider audience, but I haven’t heard back from anyone regarding my application to photograph the gig yet and so I have little hope I’ll hear back before this weekend.

Last night I noticed I didn’t take my missed opportunity to see and photograph The Ape well and by the time I was in bed full blown depression hit with the occasional suicidal ideation. Now I thought my next depressed episode will be over Centrelink post the two interviews I just had, which I planned to post about in ‘My Second Most Recent Breakdown’ but the interview didn’t turn out to be so bad. I sat down for another capacity assessment to see if I was still eligible for the disability support pension and surprisingly the assessor made me feel like I was. One thing I didn’t mention to them however was the fact that I get so down and depressed when things don’t work out for my photography.

That’s how I feel now: I feel like I will never get another opportunity to photograph another show that I need media access to and I even feel like I don’t have the skills to do it should that opportunity arise again. Although, I seem to be doing all right when taking photos of my cats and dog. There was a little black and white photo challenge on Facebook where you had to post one black and white photo a day, and so I decided to take about 200 black and white photos of my pets and now I’m posting one or two each day to my wall.

The skills are still there but my confidence isn’t and since missing out on photographing The Ape for a fourth time I’ve lost interest in going out to gigs. I’ve basically just been playing my Xbox One and getting most of my self-confidence back through playing video games, and I’m pretty good so will stick at it. It’s become my new special interest. It is all I think about, read about, desire and of course, play.

So yes, the next step is learning to take defeat and still staying with my photography. There are so many bands to photograph but like I said I choose to photograph my upmost favourite. The bands I always think about, listen to and buy camera lenses worth +$1000 for just to take photos of individual band members alone. I actually did that, after the last The Ape gig I was at I decided that I needed a wider angle lens, which I did have but left at home. I bought it after I kept cutting off the heads of guitarists with my usual lens.

On the bright side I will still be able to photograph my favourite bands that don’t require media access. I have two opportunities to see River of Snakes next week. The next couple of gigs I need media access to would Gyroscope at Oxford Art Factory and the big one for me will be Datsuns at The Metro. Both gigs are coming up in the next couple of weeks.

I still feel defeated. I’m still depressed of course. It will run its course and I’ll recover soon. I find the best way to deal with it is let the emotions and thoughts come and do their damage and by the end I’ll forget about ever feeling this way. When I first got the idea to go to Melbourne and take photos of The Ape I had that super inhuman level of over confidence which almost led to me spending $170 on tickets alone and thinking it was a sacrifice worth taking. But then I came back down to Earth and thought it would be better to wait for them to come back to Sydney so I can see them for $20-$30 again.

I should probably mention that I may have missed out on photographing two of my favourite bands but I did get to take photos of my mate Davey Lane and after I put the photos online got a post reach just five views short of 4000. That was massive. That’s the highest it’s ever been, and I didn’t even need to pay Facebook money to show my posts to more people.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t get many opportunities to photograph bands this late in the year. It’s heading into the Christmas season and I like to spoil my nephews and nieces.

So, I’ll keep doing my band photography. The harsh reality is you can be doing this for 20 years and sometimes you’ll miss out on gigs that you just assume will be easy to get into, and sometimes you’ll get into huge arena shows…or The Metro in Sydney.

For now I’m just going to continue to feel sorry for myself, because depression.

Check out my latest project

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I decided to make a blog just for my band photography.

Originally I wanted to write all my thoughts down about the last gig as a form of therapy about the residual emotions that usually like to hang around after I shoot a gig. Now, I kind of just like talking about my photography and the Australian music scene.

Either click on the photo above or check out The Ultimate Lost Through the Lens