My Ordeal to Get Back on the Disability Pension

This was originally going to be a letter I would send Centrelink about my severe and almost constant suicidal thoughts, but it ended up being too long so I decided to keep a 2 week long journal about my ordeal, writing down my thoughts every few days about the events that happened and my mental state at the time. I will have to issue a trigger warning as this is a completely uncensored insight into the thoughts of a person who was seriously thinking of taking their life. I understand if that’s too much for some people to read, for others I hope it makes you understand just how severe anxiety can get and not all people want kill themselves because they’re depressed.

Let’s begin.

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Five w
eeks ago I had planned to commit suicide if I wasn’t able to be transferred from Max Employment to another disability job employment agency. For two years I had either gone into that place feeling suicidal or leaving it feeling suicidal. I always flirted with the idea of stepping out onto busy Marrickville Rd and instantly ending my pain. The day I tried to transfer my consultant (the most coldest and uncaring man I’ve ever met) said he would do the transfer but while I waited for the transfer to go through I had to keep doing what he said. That meant going to information sessions to jobs I was unfit and unskilled for, while doing my own job search. I still had to see a man that thought someone with chronic fatigue could work at an airport doing a physically demanding job. He never listened to my concerns and as much as I wanted to say being in your presence made me want to slit my wrists I couldn’t. I went straight into Mission Employment who couldn’t take me in because they didn’t work with people with disabilities but they gave me a number to call. I pleaded my case to the person on the line and when they told me coldly that I had to go for jobs that the consultant says I cried silent tears. It just seemed like no one would listen to me. But they did transfer me immediately to WISE Employment.  Those last couple days I was on my feet constantly. I had to go to an information session about a job at the airport and the same day I had to go to Wollongong to photograph Against Me and I was experiencing foot pains from a fully developed Morton’s Neuroma too. The next day I had to job search at Max Employment so I decided early to transfer that day. There was also a book signing for Laura Jane Grace, singer of Against Me to attend and a second Against Me show to photograph. That night I became seriously ill from exhaustion. My only memories that night of watching Against Me were of stomach pains, breaking down into a fit of crying in the toilets and having a seizure throughout their whole set.
WISE replaced old worries with new ones. Now I was anxious about being unable to apply for 20 jobs a month and in my mind that meant having my pension cut off. The suicidal thoughts started flooding right back.
In both cases I was unable to tell the consultants face to face. Autism. Go figure.
After writing an e-mail to my consultant, Marie, she asked me to see her right away and contacted the mental health team. She said I didn’t have to worry about applying for 20 jobs a month, changed it to 12 and became even more lenient with me. I finally felt like someone was actually listening to me. Not just mental health wise but it sounded like she was putting me on a path to start my career, to work doing something I enjoy and am skilled at (photography). Hope was restored.  But when she tried to change my job plan she saw I had been suspended – still getting my disability support pension but didn’t have to do job search until I was reassessed.  Marie had reassured me that because I have been looking for work though I’m on the pension I would probably not get cut off. But it wasn’t enough. My anxiety sky rocketed and my suicidal thoughts returned more vivid than ever.
Still, I gathered up medical documents like Marie instructed but when I felt it wasn’t enough I organised to see my GP.

This is when everything started to go wrong.

I asked him to do another mental health check form with me – we do these every four weeks. When I did he said I sounded like I was exaggerating. I looked over the test – I was interpreting the questions in my own way, not the way the writer of the questionnaire intended. It’s something I often struggle with.  I started to panic. They won’t believe me. Then when I asked him if he would reassess me for chronic fatigue (I was diagnosed 15 years ago on the South Coast – it’s not on my record) he lectured me and made it sound like to get over my mental health issues I needed to get busy; socialise, study and get a job. He seemed happy for me to lose my pension even though it meant poverty and forced to work full time when I only have enough energy for 8 hours per week. I would also lose my support from WISE Employment who were the only people guaranteeing me a future. I don’t think he understood I am already looking for work – it’s only a part pension.
I felt dejected. I put on my most depressive mix music playlist and walked home feeling empty inside.

The next day mental health workers from Crisis Team, Camperdown came to my place. ‘Finally!’ I thought, ‘they will help me and give me a report to give to Centrelink.’ I told them I have high anxiety. They didn’t flinch. They didn’t empathise. They outright denied I could have bipolar because I failed to describe my manic episodes. They made it sound like getting a hobby would take away my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. They looked at my symptoms as less a part of a disorder and more emotions.
When they left I burst into tears. There was no help for me. They refused to provide documentation I could give to Centrelink during my reassessment.
They told me to go to Headspace. My sister said it was a good idea. She said I should see a different GP at the medical practice. I made an appointment.
During all of this I had four days of severe period pain – another medical condition I would have to get treated for after all of this was over. Also, I need foot injections for my Morton’s Neuroma. Living was too painful. If it wasn’t my emotional pain that made me want to kill myself it was my physical pain.
That night I had such severe anxiety over staining the carpet I couldn’t sleep and I felt like my heart would explode. I was either having extreme anxiety over that or the reassessment.
Then, I became hypomanic. Hyperactive. Overconfident. Impulsive – I wasn’t taking the usual care I would, particularly to avoid a hypoglycemic crash. My high anxiety and suicidal thoughts that I felt daily for hours before we’re gone, felt like foreign concepts to me. I no longer cared about the reassessment or losing my pension. I had to force myself to care, if I didn’t I would not have enough medical evidence to be allowed to stay on my pension. But I was so happy and carefree that nothing could touch me. I couldn’t walk – I ran. I didn’t have my own personality. I was mimicking someone. Someone in control. Someone who made their own decisions. Someone that never showed their weaknesses. I could have lost everything if I didn’t snap out of this mood soon.

FRIDAY

During all of this anxiety and suicidal ideation I had a Paul Dempsey gig to go to and photograph. Somehow I had to put all my worries to the side and do one more job for my editor. I didn’t actually care. I was just going to go to get it done. It was the first gig I would officially shoot for a music website I had tried desperately hard to get a photo pass through. Before that I had to go see a new GP to see if they could give me a medical certificate. I had an anxiety attack in the waiting room. I was told the doctor would see me a bit late, it felt like hours. Every time her door opened and someone was let out I thought it was my turn. I was either hopeful and confident of what I was going to say or I had a huge blind blank. But every time the door opened someone new went in and my dread grew even worse. Most people who walked out walked out with smiles on their faces. I didn’t think that would have been me. I drew my attention to the TV on the opposite wall above and zoned out. I felt no anxiety, depression, happiness. Nothing. I was a hollow emotionless shell of nothing.  Barry Manilow was singing with some people I didn’t know. Was that even Barry Manilow? I was so far gone I didn’t even know what Barry Manilow looked like anymore. I checked the time. Only half an hour had passed yet I had seen at least three different TV shows.
When it was finally my turn I was sure to mention I was feeling anxious, then all my thoughts about all the stuff I had been preparing to say gushed out like a waterfall. At first the GP didn’t want to write me the medical certificate so I told her how bad the previous GP had been, that it didn’t sound like understood me at all – weeks or months all wasted. I didn’t stop talking even as she was typing out the medical certificate. I made it clear that I was on a part pension, meaning I could work a little bit but not full or even part time. I wanted that to continue. I wanted to see WISE again and have them give businesses a subsidy to hire me, because there was no other way for me to get employed.
After she wrote me the medical certificate my mood was immediately lifted. I was able to put all my attention on going to the show that night. In the pit – the part where press photographers go – I smiled internally as people in the crowd would marvel at the size of my 200mm lens and comment about how many lenses I had in my bag. They thought I was a pro, not the shivering mess of anxiety with no hopes or plans about the future that I was lately. Later when I was deep in the crowd watching the band from behind the sound desk I made a point to look around. If I had taken my life a month ago I wouldn’t have been there. The two members of the band onstage that I knew would have no idea and still had no idea of what I went through. I also looked around to take one last look around at a room I may not see for a long time. If I did get a job I wouldn’t have energy to do my band photography, but I would have a burden off my shoulder. I wouldn’t have anxiety about financial trouble and I’d stop feeling useless. I would always have anxiety, depression and mania especially seeing how no doctor believes me about having bipolar and I’ve stopped believing it myself. There would be no treatment of my symptoms, no alleviation of them. I would have to learn to live with them and manage my chronic fatigue so I didn’t end up bedridden. Working a job and doing my photography on the weekend would guarantee my fatigue would get worse. I had a few near collapses when I did that before, though an idiot like me would always push myself too much if I got obsessed about something, like photographing two Against Me gigs and going to the instore and lately my plans to cover Sydney Supernova over two days. I never learn my lesson.

MONDAY

My depression returned. I had spent the whole weekend editing Paul Demspey photos and lamenting the loss of a friendship that never happened, that never built into more even though I wanted it to. It wasn’t enough to make me feel suicidal. I had been through so much that made sure I wouldn’t go down that path again. I was nervous about going to the Marrickville Health Centre and telling them everything I forgot to tell the previous mental health workers and my GPs. Crisis Team called me on the weekend, a woman this time. We had a long talk as my mood was a lot lighter and she recommended I go to the health centre. I went along and prepared for the same disappointment. It didn’t happen. Lorne just listened as I spurted everything out. Everything I said to my GPs, the four mental health workers, my consultant at WISE and everything I didn’t get to say to them. I had done this so much it was getting tedious but I was getting better at it. He told me to explain exactly what my thoughts were like when I thought of suicide. I was taken aback by it. I told him I visualized it like a movie, from the moment I do it to the reaction of people who know me; family, friends and most importantly the musicians I know. He convinced me to go back to my GP and ask for a mental health care plan and to see a psychiatrist. He said he will find someone for me who specialized it PTSD and CBT. I never got help for my PTSD so I was filled with both hope and dread. Then I brought up that I was transgender but felt stuck because being on welfare I could never completely transition. He told me it wasn’t true and then gave me a name of a transgender therapist to call. I held the note with the words scrawled on it like it was a golden ticket to my new life, the life I was always meant to live. I was full of hope again. I liked talking to him. When I left my doubts came back. My anxieties over the reassessment came back to me. I knew I had to get control of it.

I decided to play the video game Destiny that night. For the entire time I played the game my thoughts didn’t worry about the reassessment. I planned to play more, get deeper into the game like the hardcore player I was before, but I wouldn’t play it during the day because although videogames help me through tough situations I can get so obsessed with them I don’t want to do anything else.

TUESDAY

Last night I got a message on my phone reminding me to attend an appointment with WISE Employment tomorrow. Early in the morning I contacted Marie about it. It didn’t feel right because I was on suspension. She told me yes I was on suspension…until 2019. I was confused. I thought after my reassessment that if I was successfully still able to continue disability I could go back to WISE either on the Tuesday after my Centrelink appointment or a few weeks after they approved me to continue the DSP.  Now all my confidence and calmness about the issue turned back to anxiety and more suicidal thoughts. This was exhausting me. I needed to play more Destiny. I needed to keep myself busy. I need to do something, anything, right now and always. I couldn’t allow my thoughts to wander. I needed to clear this all up with Centrelink on Friday, for now I would have to live with my confusion, doubts, anxiety and the occasional suicidal thought.

FRIDAY

I HATE MY LIFE.

I’ve been playing Destiny more. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane. The amount of thinking and focus I need to make to play the game silences all of my doubts, at least temporarily. My sister makes it sound like I’m playing it too much. She doesn’t understand that I have to. I only play it at night though. The days are the worst. I have to preoccupy myself enough that I don’t start feeling anxious again.

I’ve started to get stomach pains and let me tell you my time on the toilet is not nice, all because of anxiety. No matter how well I eat or how much fibre is in my diet.

My appointment was rescheduled today. That means I have 11 more days of this uncertainty, of high anxiety and depression and the occasional graphic suicidal thought entering my mind. If I just stepped out early onto Parramatta Rd it would have all been over.

At least I know I’m not really suspended from seeing a job employment agency until 2019. Centrelink checked for me. I’m going to have to discuss it with Marie after my assessment.

My doctor makes me wait too long for appointments so I haven’t started the mental health care plan nor have a got a psychologist to see.

THURSDAY

I’m experiencing a lot of mood shifts from extreme highs into extreme lows. I’ve been told by countless doctors this is normal. I spent $1000 in two days – is that normal? It doesn’t feel normal. My hyper moods make me feel like I’m on stimulant drugs and my low moods make me want to commit suicide. My focus is completely on video games especially what with E3 being on, so I’ve been watching a lot of trailers for games coming soon and a lot of gameplay. I got Horizon Zero Dawn for free which is pretty fantastic because it retails at $99, so I’m going to play that. My sister made me feel like shit because I bought the game monitor and PS4 Pro. I know I should control myself but it’s not always that easy. I won’t spend my money like that for a longtime too. I just wish she’d realise how much video games have helped distract me from my high anxiety and having a mind that says suicide is inevitable over this rescheduled disability assessment appointment.

I’m back into my art…well it’s Destiny fan fiction though but it’s helping me express myself creatively and it’s helping me explain how I’ve been feeling over trans things. I’m calling the project Translight and it will be broken up into chunks of small paragraphs and poetry. It’s the only way my ADHD brain can get this stuff out.

I’m done with social media for a while. I’ll still share photos, statuses etc but I’m not engaging with the braindead populace any longer.

MONDAY

This is what it feels like to want to die…

Despite my sometimes good days things really start to go to shit for me. As I made my way to Sydney Supernova I started having doubts, those doubts turned into too much anxiety to go further. I was stuck at Lidcombe station with no idea how to get anywhere. I recovered in the pub where I decided to not go at all despite my sister trying to convince me to go and even sending me train timetables.
I had also decided to go to a show with her and take photos that night. That was also a mistake. I was depressed so didn’t talk much to people and didn’t want to. I was aware of how quiet I was, of how much I didn’t care and I just wanted to disappear. Actually, I couldn’t stop thinking of self-harming and not the kind of self-harm you survive.
I decided to take photos of the bands to get away from the group I was with. It’s not like I was going to ever say anything to them so why not? I felt anxious taking photos down the front. The bands were not really that great and I gave up during the first one. Every time I held my camera I just thought about all the celebrities who I missed out on photographing and it still kills me inside. I feel like a failure. No matter what people say nothing takes away from the fact that I still haven’t entered into the type of event photography – movie stars. Since I was a kid I’ve loved films and now I want to somehow make it into that industry. I don’t want to act but I want to tell those stories acted on screen. If I can’t then I’ll photograph the actors and crew. But right now I can’t see that ever happening.

Tomorrow is my Centrelink assessment. I’m less nervous over it because I’ve been playing video games but when I’m not I still think I’m going to lose my pension. But now I know my brother is at least there to help me out but I hate the feeling of having to rely on others. I want to only be able to rely on myself.

I still feel like I don’t have the energy to work. I might be ok for a couple of hours, as in 2, but I’m still worried about getting exhausted and let’s face it I’m not very good at communicating with people. And then I’ll have to deal with the stress of not being successful at getting the job which makes me even more depressed.

I don’t think I want to kill myself anymore (though those thoughts come usually when I have another depressive episode) but I just don’t feel a lot of confidence. I don’t like my life or myself or even the way I talk and I don’t feel like I have much of a future. Even when I’m about to make friends I don’t think I want to put them through dealing with all my messes. I certainly don’t want to have a relationship with anyone. That’s more the transgender stuff. I have no idea how I’m going to handle intimacy. Maybe I’ll just remain the same single loveless person I am.

Hopefully after tomorrow I’ll be more at ease and have a better idea of what I want to do with my life.

My appointment actually went as smoothly as it ever could. I feel bloody ridiculous over my behaviour but a part of me thinks if I didn’t the result would have been the opposite. Despite stomach pains from anxiety that I thought was my period coming. My anxiety made it easier for me to talk about what I needed to. It wasn’t even a reassessment, it was just a check-up. The lady was sweet to me and I felt reassured I was still on disability. She seemed fine with me to go back to WISE Employment which is being incredibly lenient on me ever since I told them I felt suicidal. This will help quite a lot. I’m looking forward to applying for photography jobs though I still don’t have much confidence that I can get the jobs or have enough energy to work them.

I still haven’t set up a Mental Health Care Plan. I’ll have to organise that with my doctor. I’m cringing over seeing him again but I need that number for a psychologist. I doubt they will be able to help much but they are someone to talk to. I just hope they’re not as ableist as the last four doctors and mental health workers I’ve seen.

I’ve got a good long term goal though. To continue as a photographer I need a much more powerful PC with a lot of storage space so I’m going to give my computer a full upgrade. I might even build it into a gamer PC. But it will predominately be for photo and video editing – I might become a streamer. I still need to get a new lens for my camera: a 70-200mm f/2.8L IS but that costs triple what a PC upgrade would. Even my PS4 Pro and 4k monitor together comes in cheaper. It’s a really high quality lens. It’s worth it. My concert photography won’t survive without it. I’m so sick of shaky photos that could have been perfectly crisp.

I’ve got a few more blog posts on my mind that I’ll try to post within the next few weeks too. I might even post some excerpts from Translight too. I’m actually going to write about all three of my new Guardians on PS4 (one from my Xbox years) and maybe one of my main from the last 2 years of playing Destiny on Xbox One. I write backstories for the characters I play with on Destiny – what? I did say I wanted to be a screen writer.

Oh, and yes I did just reveal I’m transgender in my journals. You’ll get a big long post about what it was like to grow up in a society that never accepted that.


 

 

 

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2016 In Review

Most people looking back on 2016 only seems to have negative things to say about it, but for me 2016 was a year of getting out of a bad situation and a shitty job. I changed my new address and moved into a completely new neighbourhood, which was scary and I could have starved to death had I not accepted that change and adapted to it. I may have fallen into a deep and aimless depression, in which I thought all the skills that I built up over 11 years were now gone, but I fought it and I came out even stronger on the other side. My chronic fatigue may mean I get tired over doing 2-3 basic tasks and my likelihood of being employed even in a part time 8 hour per week job is pretty slim, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an employer out there who is accommodating of my issues.

Sometimes I think those who complain the most about things are people who don’t have enough to complain about. I still have the same atypical brain, the same energy limitations and I’m in the same hopeless situation but I have a loving family who I will always get to see at the end of the year. Sure, things could be better in certain parts but I have to accept it and wait for things to get better.

This year I made new friends who understand my mental health issues and give me hope in times when I feel there is none, and in turn I support and offer them hope and practical advice, because after all I can’t help being myself. I’ve connected to two people in subjects that I struggled to find anyone to connect to. I made a promise and a plan to a higher power and have followed through with it quite nicely. And most importantly, the passion of storytelling that runs through every fiber of my being is no longer just another abandoned dream because it just felt too hard to do with all my problems that stood in the way of me pursuing my dream of being a published and well known author and screenwriter.

This year I had to face some hard truths about situations that I couldn’t change, and I had to accept that and move on from them. To not get into too many details I will say it involves a serious mental illness with such strong delusions that they had to be medicated away, and even after coming off medication certain things in my life have to be viewed in another perspective and avoided altogether just because some place my mind took me 3 years ago.

Life is hard. Life can be frustrating and seems to be unfair at times, but the year is not to blame; it’s your attitude towards the world. Social media breeds a culture that encourages pessimism and petty arguments. It’s no wonder we’re always so negative when we should really be grateful for all we have. Most of us have more positive things going for us than some people in truly dire situations, and despite all they struggle with they don’t complain – they just get on with it.

I can’t close this blog without mentioning yet again that one big change for me was getting back into political activism and that wouldn’t have happened without meeting members of Socialist Equality Party, Socialist Alternative and a much delayed interest in the band Anti-Flag. The U.S Election results may have helped some but the real seeds were planted from an encounter from the leader of the SEP on Election Day. Australia has been under right-wing leadership for two years so there’s been plenty of reasons for me to get active again. It’s not just about saving the Great Barrier Reef, Same Sex Marriage or closing Nauru anymore. Or those countless petitions I’ve signed against Bayer and Monsanto.

Now I feel like 2017 will be a year of war, a class war because if forcing people on disability to work wasn’t enough they’re going to cut the pension. 2016 for me was just a shake-up. It roused me up from my leftist coma and made me aware that the government really doesn’t care about its people and complacency will just endure our suffering.

Wow. That got kind of serious. This was meant to be a feelgood post even though I don’t really feel that positive about work or about pursuing my dreams lately. Hope can come from many places though; sometimes dreaming big, sometimes anger. I know these last few paragraphs sound contradictory to my ‘just be thankful with what you got’ theme but there’s a line to it. No one should allow themselves to be treated unfairly by those who rule over them. Everyday annoyances should be easy to shake off though.

For the last couple of years this blog has mainly been about my mental health issues and sometimes video games, but as this blog is basically a database of my thoughts, especially the troubling ones, things are going to have to change as I change. I might get political from time to time. This is the new (old) me and you’re just going to have to put up with it.

With ❤ Spycraft 

Inspirations

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Inspiration can come from the strangest places and from the most unlikely people; be it an actor or a rock band. They help you get through a difficult time or set you on a new path. They can make you see yourself in new light or encourage you to think creatively.

Recently when I lost my job I at first thought I could get through this but the truth was I couldn’t. I fell into a different kind of depression. Usually my depressive episodes are short and very intense and I have some very upsetting and worrying thoughts, and then it’s over. This depression was so mild at first I didn’t see that it was depression.

Like many others I saw Prison Break and The Flash actor, Wentworth Miller’s reaction do someone making a hurtful and body shaming meme of him. We all know how it went: he revealed he had depression and seeing that meme really made him to want to end his life, but instead he came out and just explained how it made him felt and the situation he was in and was met with a lot of positivity from sufferers of depression or from people who have been body shamed or just all round decent folk.

Since then I always kept Wentworth in mind. I knew him from The Flash and DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. When I saw him as Leonard Snart in Legends of Tomorrow I started to see him in another way. I saw his struggle, the pain in his face. Whether it was really there or not didn’t matter. I related to him. He was just like me, going through the same things and his job was something I wanted to be.

But I wasn’t inspired to be an actor. I’ll get to that soon.

After I lost my job I felt defeated. I couldn’t just continue the jobseeking. I really couldn’t continue much anymore except play videogames, read comic books and binge watch The Flash, Gotham and Arrow. At times I would think how would Wentworth get through this?

The next thing that happened was I lost my confidence as a band photographer and started to avoid going to shows that I could photograph without media access. I decided to look up Wentworth’s Facebook page. There I found that he was helping to raise awareness about depression and I got to learn his story. I followed his page and most days I would find posts about positivity and self-care. His personal posts were so gentle, non-judgmental and with an open mindedness I’ve not seen in a long time.

When I found out he was a screenwriter I wondered how could he write when he was so depressed, but then I decided to give it another go and even though I went with writing a novel before the screenplay, it made me feel better. Wentworth’s posts also helped me admit that I had depression at all, something that I would only admit to as a part of my cyclic moods. Then, after writing on his page that it wasn’t difficult to admit to people that I didn’t think I could do my band photography anymore, I started to tell people.

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I’m happy to say my confidence in my band photography has been restored since I photographed Anti-Flag, and because they share my political views I’ve been listening to them, following them online to keep me motivated. However, The Liberal National Party and One Nation have given me plenty of reasons to stay motivated; The Adani Coal Mine, cuts to welfare, lockout laws, climate change denying, etc. And because they’re an angry punk band they’ve also made me feel ok about not always being modest and inoffensive to people. In training myself to have adequate social skills I had to learn to see things from different perspectives, this turned me into the most polite and agonizing person to debate with, as I never said anything to get people angry and never reacted with anger. But as someone affiliated with socialist parties and fighting for change, this poker face persona I put up just doesn’t work. It’s ok to be angry, especially about the injustices happening in the world, insult people (as long as they’re from the LNP and voted Pauline Hanson) and use emotive phrasing.

I would not have these views if it wasn’t for a certain lead singer by the name of Dennis Lyxzén. First when he was in The (International) Conspiracy and then I went back to listen to his former band, Refused. Funny thing is Refused are now his current band and T.(I).N.C is his former band. Everything I believe in, the whole way I view the world, especially the blindness of society and the deception of the media, is because of him. I was inspired to read up about Marx, Guy Debord, and The Situationist International because of him.

It was guitarist of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, Tom Morello that introduced me to Phil Ochs though and for that I am so very very grateful.

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It wouldn’t be right to not mention Phil Ochs on his birthday. Phil did not just sing folk songs that resonated with the far-left but the people he wrote about, he empathised with them deeply. It was almost like he was a storyteller and achieved what many authors try to accomplish: to go into the very psyche of the people you write about, that you become them. Some of his songs are real tear-jerkers for that reason, like The Spanish Civil War Song, There But For Fortune, What Are You Fighting For and Hands. Even his songs about J.F.K can make you feel something deeply for the slain President. It could be that folk music itself is very emotional with its soft guitar strumming and gentle-voiced singer, or it could be all the variables.

Phil’s story is a sad one and one I relate to. His most personal songs cannot be listened to by me when I’m going through depression without keeping a dry eye. There will never be another Phil Ochs in my opinion. He was one of a kind and too good for a world that doesn’t care.

Inspiration for storytelling can come from just about anywhere. Damien Walter is a writer I look up to and consider a teacher. My dad held the title of an Archarya (teacher) as a yogi. Would I go as far to call Damien, Archarya? He inspires me to keep writing my stories. I watch a lot of science fiction, read a lot of it and read comic books and watch its inspired shows, and this helps inspire some ideas or themes in my writing. I first was inspired to be a writer during the Russell T. Davies era of Doctor Who. First, I was inspired to find out every inch of Doctor Who lore I could find. Second, I found Russell’s stories so emotionally heart-jerking that I wanted to become a writer myself.

I’ll give you a bit of explanation here: as an autistic person I don’t express a lot of emotion, I feel them very strongly but it’s a jumbled mess of sensations rather consciously understanding what they are (alexithymia), or rather this is how it was before. When around other people I got the same mess of sensations from them. I finally get to see how people use and respond to emotions because of the contained environment I’m in and my 100% engagement in the show. This is basically how I learn social skills.

The most inspirational of stories in TV and film are through science fiction. I’m often confused as to why Star Wars is so popular. I enjoy the movies, they are a fun sci-fi romp but they don’t inspire me to write. I get that from Star Trek, Stargate, Doctor Who, Ender’s Game and most science fiction stories that have more themes than just a fight against good and evil, and they need to have quite a lot of detailed scientific explanations in them. I call it nerd porn, ha. It’s more about the challenge of making these very complex ideas work in science fiction that excites me about them. Like time travel stories. I used to avoid writing about them because I got confused by them, but after playing Quantum Break and reading about how they explained it all it made so much more sense, so now it’s a challenge I take on.

However, while playing Star Wars: the Old Republic I did get somewhat inspired to create background lore.

Game developers Bungie also inspire my writing. Their lore for the video game Destiny comes from a lot of Greek mythology. The fact that they use this mythology and turn into a fantasy inspired science fiction world makes me want to create something like that on my own. The stories in video games are so cinematic these days many have inspired me to write stories.

There was actually a book that I was discouraged to read, the Book of Enoch and the Apocrypha in general. I was raised in a Christian home where Marxism, evolution and the Apocrypha was frowned upon. So naturally, the first chance I could find out about that stuff I did. And The Book of Enoch is especially inspiring to me because of its fantasy themes and it feels rebellious to make that the central focus for my first novel. It’s not your usual mythology used in science fiction so there’s an air of originality using it.

I could probably mention more people, books, films, issue #133 of Batman that inspired me but I won’t.

Why I Stopped Taking Photos

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I want you to think about that one special skill you have. Something that makes you you, something you can’t live without. Everyone has one. It could be you’re a natural and talented artist or a skilled athlete. You could be a math genius, a captivating storyteller or a gifted actor. Everybody has that one thing they’re good at but some people haven’t yet discovered what it is yet. Ok so, think about your job. You’re good at your job; otherwise you wouldn’t even have it. You could be a graphic designer, or maybe you’re just really really good with people so work in sales. Or maybe you just do something basic that isn’t really that demanding and is actually enjoyable. Now what if one day you couldn’t do your job or you lost that one skill that everyone knew you for. It made them look up to you. It was the one thing that made you get up in the morning, it was all you lived for and now it’s gone. That happened to me.

It just took one night of forced motivation to make myself do something I wasn’t feeling up to and I ended up screwing up so much that I can’t even stand to even try again. OK, I’m going to stop being vague. I’m a band photographer. I’ve been taking photos for 11 years. I’ve been capturing rock moves under the colourful and dancing stage lights. I captured emotional moments that are easily missed from standing back in the crowd. A missed moment that now exists forever in a million ordered pixels. So how could I one night mess that up on a monumental level? And why is it keeping me from ever trying again? Am I so scared of failing I’ll never try again? Well, yes. Failing hurts. But this isn’t just limited to my band photography, it pervades to every part of my life.

This all started when I lost my job after just working there one day. It was the most basic and menial job that they usually give to immigrants who can’t speak fluent English. Those are the only jobs I can get. The jobs no one else wants. And I can’t even do them. My communication is stunted by my autism. My energy is exhausted in a matter of hours because of chronic fatigue. I feel like my whole body is falling apart and I’m feverishly and hopelessly trying to hold it together. No doctor or scientist can restore it to what it used to be. Am I overreacting? Maybe, but sometimes it feels like no matter what I do to help it it won’t be enough.

So lately I’ve been in a state of apathy. I don’t care about getting another job, mainly because I don’t think I can take being fired again. I’m not talking of disappointment but something far deeper on a psychological level. I basically gave up on my goals. For years I’ve just been trying to reach both short and long term goals but now it all feels like it’s for nothing. I get moments of motivation and creativity but it doesn’t hang around long enough for me to really do anything with it. And I’m not a person who can exist without creating something or making something out of myself.

I’m still trying. I’m still planning to overcome this fear of never taking the same quality photos again. I mean, that seems like such a small thing but the thing is it’s my only skill – no, not only skill – it’s the only skill that I can actually do with the energy and motivational limits I have. I’ve started to think about working on screenwriting too but the same issues come up. It’s a project that relies on self-motivation and organization. It takes commitment. And the final pitch takes high level communication skills, and you have to accept failure over and over again.

2015: The Year of Change

Usually when you hear me talk about change it’s in defiance of it but this time it’s been more about embracing it. More than that. Change has happened in my life and within me personally that I barely even knew it was happening.
First, I decided to start a photography course which I at times have doubts that I could ever finish after I start another subject but I work out ways to make it happen. I’ve learned a lot from this course and I use it my general and concert photography. General is anything from self-portraits to photos of animals to photos of children’s birthday parties. I now have the passion to take photos again. I’m not really sure where it went all those years before to be honest. I have had to overcome anxiety that kept me from going to concerts and still have to face a type of agoraphobia that developed in me after a traumatic event. That was years ago though and I now feel ready to move on.
Secondly, with my 30th birthday looming near I decided I should probably go find my some work. The government also requires it of me despite being on a disability pension. The hardest part for me would be overcoming my physical weaknesses. I have hypoglycemia and so need to eat a little every few hours. I also have chronic fatigue and can use up my energy in just a matter of hours. I’m sure there’s a nice employer out there who can work around these issues. I have a lot to offer and not even Asperger’s syndrome, ADHD or mood disorders can hold me back.
Third and last and probably most important I’ve become a committed Christian again. I don’t think Christian is the right word but I believe in God as I have from a young age and follow both early Hebrew traditions and the New Testament. I have a calling on my life that I’ve felt since a very young age but it was never revealed to me until now. I will not say too much since I don’t want to scare you away but I’m very serious and committed to what I have to do and am even creating artworks to share this message, and those artworks will be on another blog. People can mock me. People can try to convince me I’m believing in fairy tales but it won’t do them any good. I’m a rock. Agreeing with people just so they don’t feel uncomfortable around me doesn’t matter to me, the only thing that matters to me is what I can do to secure a future in the next life.
So, I’m finally getting back into my art. I’m a gifted artist (or just quick to pick it up) but have never had any formal education. So I have a lot of self-learning to do to reach these artistic goals I have set in place.
I still want to be a writer of some kind and have a story in the back of my mind. Instead of being science fiction it’s more to help autism awareness. I recently saw a BBC miniseries called The Politician’s Husband and while the depiction of a child with Asperger’s was truthful it focused too much on the negative. I believe showing the negative is important but as someone who has lived that child’s life I can tell you it does get better. In fact, things might be able to get better for an autistic child when they are still a child. It’s more about teaching them life skills without trying to make them ‘normal’ i.e allowing them to have interests and their own coping strategies most commonly referred to as ‘symptomatic behaviour.’ So, that’s the book/screenplay I wish to write.

I don’t make myself ridiculous new year’s resolutions to keep, instead I’m just going to launch straight into a healthy diet and exercise routine. I like feeling fit and it does help give me prolonged concentration and just puts me in an all round happier mood.

As it’s now the first day of 2016 I can begin seeing these goals through. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy. I’m now a photographer for CargoArt Magazine which could mean my photographs can now be printed. I’ll continue to do my photography course and just keep on taking photos in my spare time or for my band photography. I look for jobs daily now, usually anything that involves using a camera. I’ll have to start learning how to draw and paint those things I wish to create on canvases. I’m going to be reading plenty of religious books, including The Bible every Saturday in my own little live-in Church which is my bedroom and the only Church I can trust. I’m already exercising and eating healthily too.

It all seems to be working out pretty well for me – the planning stages at least. I’ll still have plenty of downtime to rest and recharge. So that’s that then. It will be a great year because everyday I will strive to get better; healthier, fitter, mindful, creative and righteous. Now I’m not trying to sound better than everyone – far from it. I mean others are allowed to sin. I have to watch everything I say, do and think very carefully. I just want to be a good person. Good in the eyes of God and mentally sound and say goodbye to physical weakness.

Shanti

Naturally Introverted

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Recently I’ve come across a website called The Quiet Revolution, a site that has many helpful posts about how to live in this extroverted dominated world as an introverted person. It’s important to me to really embrace my introversion because for a long time I have been trying to really push it away and become a more outgoing person. I even have had it taken away by going on medication for my ADHD so now it’s important to me to really return to my more natural state of mind, who I was before all these medications started to interfere with my brain.

Firstly, let me start off by telling those of you who don’t know I’m also autistic and identify myself as a severe introvert because not do I only thrive in solitude but prefer it and can be very stubborn to come out of it. I seem to become more withdrawn around a group of people due to my sensory sensitivity and the fact that I often do not share the same interests as other people, and am rotten at small talk. Although, because of the dramatic change to my brain on Ritalin I was able to have time to really learn and practice social skills so these days I’m probably 30% better  than what I was before. I’ve become impulsive and use that impulsivity to help me start conversations with people. A conversation with an ADHD person does not last long though. It starts, derides, jumps to some other subject randomly and then wanders away. One autistic symptom I’ve managed to completely reduce is talking only about my interests and not notice when people weren’t interested. I wish I could have that back. My trick is now to surround myself around people who have the same interests as me.

Introversion is like my default programming and as I’ve mentioned I had it taken away when I went on Ritalin. I became extroverted and I still at times can become temporarily extroverted. I know what it’s like to want to seek anybody out to talk to or just be around them. Some nights at home alone were painful because I just wanted to hang out with people. For the most part though I can be alone for hours and not miss a single soul. In my current living arrangements I’m not always able to be alone so I really yearn for that moment when I am.

Lately though the extroverts have outnumbered the introverts in this house and I’ve kind of felt like I’ve got pressure on me to talk more and not just that – to change to what seems normal to them. Introverts may want people to change for the better but we can still be content if people just stay the same. If it’s really something that’s annoying us we can confront people about it but we really rather not. Remember, I am speaking from the perspective of an autistic introvert so not all will agree with my interpretation of an introvert.

Introverts and extroverts are almost like two different species and are each annoyed by each other’s differences, but we need to remember that extroverts can’t help being outgoing just like introverts can’t help being quiet and staying at home but that doesn’t mean that we should allow them to change us. Extroverts can seem like they’re trying to control you but you just need to let them know that you’re introverted and will stay that way. It’s who you are naturally and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Introverts can give just as much to society as extroverts can. We ought to tolerate each other’s differences more, because it those differences that make us interesting. If we were all outgoing and chatty I’m sure we’d get bored with nothing new happening and if we were all quiet and stayed at home then we’d never meet each other. And I’ve tried to make a quiet friend – it is very hard. The person did come off as disinterested to me and that’s how some people see shy and quiet people. I’ve probably been seen that way many times. Once a housemate’s son came over to the house and in greeting offered his hand but I didn’t shake it. I’m not used to such a thing so didn’t expect it and couldn’t just do it once I realised that was required of me.

These past three years I have been really pushing my social skills development and taking any opportunity to practice what I’ve learned on people, or just taken another opportunity to pick up some more tips from them. When I went out to see bands I would try and meet them after a show and spit out whatever words I could. There was one band member in particular that I was so desperate to meet and talk to but I never got the chance so I would always say ‘next time I will do it, I will push myself right out of my comfort zone just to do it.’ But now it doesn’t seem that important to me. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won’t – but who really cares? I’ve stopped obsessing about it and stopped trying to act as normal and social as him just so we could better get along. I hope no one is offended by my use of the word ‘normal’ – to me normal is average and average is boring, uninspired, unoriginal and other things I’m not. I still think that musician is pretty cool though.

For so long I have tried to go against the grain of who I naturally am. I’ve pushed this brain so hard to be good at maths, to play a musical instrument and other things that I just don’t have the skills for. But I do have other skills and so all my time will be spent on pursuing work in that area than in an area my brain really has no clue about or passion for. Even the social skills learning is starting to feel like a futile effort; for every new skill I learn there’s one other thing I’m confused by, or accidental offend people about or just had no idea of the existence of. Maybe I won’t push myself as hard and accept the fact that I am autistic and will always struggle in this way. As long as I try to be polite and helpful then people should understand I’m not using my autism as a crutch.

As for the extroverted part of me, yeah, I’ll embrace it when it comes as long as I remember who I am the majority of the time: a quiet but deep reflector who seems to accept things as they come but is not afraid to stand up for herself once in a while, especially when it comes to people trying to push me out of my shell. No, I quite like my shell. Leave me be.