I dread the crowded streets as people rush to buy Christmas presents and having to hold my feelings of discomfort bordering on anger inside because people are too loud and too close, and are essentially tourists in the stores that are usually my safety zones, my escape from the world of chaos outside.
I dread people changing plans last minute. I really really don’t want that happen. If Christmas lunch is changed to the 26th, or not at 12 o’clock or the venue is changed.
I dread having a depressive episode during such a happy season.
I dread the last minute pre-Christmas family drama coming out of nowhere.
I dread the bendy roads that give me motion sickness on the way to Christmas lunch.
I dread that first few minutes of awkwardness when I arrive at Christmas lunch, not knowing whether to sit or stand, or where to sit.
I dread the loud and sometimes angry voices from the kitchen, but glad it has nothing to do with me.
I dread people asking me what I’ve been up to lately and trying to make it sound as interesting as possible.
I dread trying to use small talk to talk to people and the resulting very uncomfortable long gap of silence that always follows and makes me feel like this is hopeless.
I dread remembering to make eye contact, but not stare too long.
I dread when I go to talk and my words come out in a garbled mess and I try desperately to make the next sentence come out fluently and coherently.
I dread being hugged and made to feel like everyone likes to hug, and then feeling like a cold psychopath because I don’t like them. I like hugs when given a choice to make them.
I dread being depressed on such a happy day.
I dread having to bite my tongue when someone says something offensive.
I dread telling an extrovert something meant just for them and they go and tell it to everyone else in their bellowing voice.
I dread my nephews opening the presents I bought them that I carefully and thoughtfully selected, only to push them aside and look for more presents
I dread my nephews losing interest in me because I have no cool games they can play.
I dread trying to talk to my nieces.
I dread meeting strangers that are friends of the family.
I dread some older family members (especially relatives I barely see) for giving me a hard time about being quiet.
I dread not having a quiet space to retreat to when I feel overwhelmed or depressed.
I dread people interrupting me when I’m engaged in something important, even if I’m just talking to someone on social media.
I dread drinking too much and end up acting like a buffoon, just because I wanted to feel less nervous and be comfortable speaking.
I dread people acting like their opinions are facts.
I dread that one person who makes a racist comment and I dread not telling them what I really think of them.
I dread family drama.
I dread the food not being ready in time. I dread having to ask what dish has citrus in it.
I dread meeting strangers and seeing their disappointed looks when I barely talk to them.
I dread drunk people telling me not to be offended.
I dread it being over.
Remember to ask about what your autistic family member feels, worries about and needs on Christmas Day.
Note: This doesn’t mean I won’t try to talk to anyone or hell, even hug, but I think it’s important to show people how I struggle.