A Trans Boy Outta the Closest

A few things have changed since I wrote my last post about being transgender. I’ve decided to call myself Sanjay instead of Shaun because I really don’t want to be ashamed of being Indian. It would just feel weird having all my brothers and sisters with Indian names and me with the most western name you can think of. I have a thing about given names too. So I’m Sanjay Upendra Roy. Nicknames SJ, Jay, Sans, Suhn and the Big SUR. Ha, I’m kidding about that last one. My middle name was my dad’s given name but he went by Acharya because he was a spiritual teacher and I hold no such position to take that name, even as a nickname. I’ve since seen a girl who has Acharya as a surname though.

So, I still haven’t taken hormones. I keep delaying it over skin breakouts and any slight sign of illness. I’ve come to the point where I have realized that my skin and health will never be perfect and I may as well just see what hormones do to me when I am in less than perfect health.

The worst part about medically transitioning I think is waiting. Waiting to get approved, waiting to get prescribed and then wait for all the changes to happen. I think I have made it to step two. But there’s still a lot of waiting time in between. I’m just trying to stay patient and preoccupy myself with other things.

I’ve sort of made a short cut with getting approved for hormones. The clinic I go to shows lenience to people who are so desperate to get on hormones because of the intense dysphoria they feel. But it’s still not a complete approval. But I’m told my psychologist can do the psych eval and I’ll probably have that on Tuesday.

The transgender community has been really helpful with helping me feel wanted and loved and valid but I think it focuses on too many negatives. I mean if arguing and sometimes mocking transphobics helps them then all power to them, but I find it more triggering hearing those people’s opinions so I’m backing out of any discussion about it. I don’t have to prove my worth to people who hate me. I don’t have to prove the science behind being transgender. They can think I’m mentally ill. I’m mentally ill in other ways so it’s not the worst thing to be told.

Not all of us in the transgender community agree on the same things and it’s disheartening to see people stamp all over your views and treat you like you’re as bad as the haters. We all have had different experiences and have different opinions. I’ve grown tired of people telling you how to think and the word policing on social media. I know I’ve done it myself and I just think it really starts more arguments than ends. At the end of the day it’s how you treat people that should be more important than what words you use. There will always be someone over sensitive to word usage. I’ve seen that in the autism and disability community and it’s in the trans community as well. I often ignore it because no one can tell me what to do. I’m a respectful person who believes in diversity. I’m not sexist/racist/homophobic/transphobic/ableist etc. Speaking of ableism I think people call anything that they feel slightly offended by as ableism. There comes a point where you just need to realise the problem is you’re just too sensitive to words and it’s your own problem. And I’m saying that to myself as well. I once tried to stop or de-educate the ‘eugenics mindset’ but it’s far too late for that. The damage has been done over 80 years and now we just need to treat those with mental illness and disability better than our ancestors did. I’m taking myself out of the eugenics debate.

I’ve also come out as gay. It’s hard for a trans guy (and even trans girls) to live as a gay person particularly when pre-hormones because you’re not yet ready to start dating your preferred romantic partner. At least I’m not. It also makes me wonder whether I want to be stealth (not revealing I’m transgender). In the trans community I feel stealth trans are looked down on, because they’re not really out about being trans. But there are many types of trans who don’t fit the mold of your typical transgender person and those people are constantly told they are valid, so I’m here to say stealth trans are valid too. We all express our identities in our own way and even before joining the community I knew I didn’t want the label as transgender. I don’t think I’ll be stealth just yet but once I feel I pass enough I will, because it’s my own damn life.

I’ve held in a lot being on social media so what you’re reading here is some brutal honesty. Why can’t people just accept you as you are and not try to change things about you just to fit their image of how you should be? People have always tried to change me. They tried to make me seem more feminine, neurotypical, less nerdy and now an acceptable version of transgender.

But because of my pathological demand avoidance syndrome I reject them all. But I in no way identify with my PDA as fellow PDAs want me to. PDA is not me; it’s the monster inside me. The monster makes it hard for me to get along with people, start romantic relationships and it severely limits my experiences in life.

The post is a jumpy ADHD mess but it’s all I’m capable of writing at the moment, so it’s the best you’re going to get.

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Spy Photography’s Journals

I had such a good response from my very personal very triggering journals that I decided to share some more journal entries focusing mainly on my band photography. And because it’s related to my band photography you get to see some pretty pictures.

Sunday, July 2nd, 2017

I’ve been rapid cycling. Yesterday was probably my 80th attempt at giving up my photography in two years. Thinking about it at least.
But then I remembered I’m seeing Sorority Noise in September and became excited about photographing them. And Speaker might next send me to Grinspoon. So I’m starting to remember why I wanted to be a band photographer in the first place – to both see and photograph my favourite bands live. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that direction and saw it as a monthly attempt at getting the most hits and likes on social media. Tim Rogers was right – it is toxic.
It’s good to have another long break though to spend some time watching Stan or Netflix, play video games and work on upgrading my PC.

Tuesday, August 1st, 2017

I’m always beating myself up over everything.

In order to explain such a statement properly I’m going to have to talk about the second last gig I shot. Getting to shoot Grinspoon came upon pretty suddenly, although I did apply to shoot the show in the first place I didn’t think I will get approved. The last show I shot for Speaker TV was The Living End and that was only because I was piggybacking on the end of two other photographers who didn’t end up on the list but were approved by their publications. I had no such approval but I kept quiet, didn’t once utter I had official clearance so technically I didn’t lie about it. I had traveled from Sydney to Wollongong with a heavy bag full of expensive lenses – I wasn’t going to cloak that. If I didn’t get my camera in I would rather have walked out, gone to a pub and sulked rather than cloak $4000k worth of equipment.

Phil Jamieson from Grinspoon at Enmore Theatre, July 7, 2017

Phil Jamieson from Grinspoon at Enmore Theatre, July 7, 2017

I wasn’t really prepared to shoot Grinspoon when I was approved but I did feel confident about it. The day of the show I felt pretty positive when I cleaned my lenses and packed them away in my camera bag but that night when I was walking to the bus stop out of nowhere I had trouble breathing. ‘What is this?’ I thought. ‘Is it anxiety – from where?’ I kept feeling anxious as I went onto the bus. I tried to analyze the situation in my head. I was going to Enmore Theatre in Newtown, a venue and area I was really familiar with. I normally felt this anxious before a gig if I had to go to a venue I’d never been to before in an area I wasn’t familiar with. This didn’t make sense. If that wasn’t bad enough certain elements within my environment that should be static started moving around and going in and out. I felt like I was on some sort of drug. Was this what they call derealisation?
My nerves continued even when I got inside Enmore Theatre but eventually they dissipated as my central focus was put on photographing the opening band. During Grinspoon I was stressed out over missing all the best action shots. It was hard to find a good spot to shoot from because there were these machines lined up at the very front of stage that spat out confetti and smoke. The effect looked nice but they were dangerous for me to get too close to.

If I’m to be completely honest I’m really disappointed with how the photos turned out and I’m confused to as why people really like them. I missed all the good action shots and I should have chosen a wider lens as my main instead of flaunting my 70-200mm wonder lens. But it was a learning curve for me and I will get my chance to do better next time.

The next gig was Pete Murray and I was even less prepared because I forgot I applied for it at all. The whole night I didn’t feel like any of my photos were in focus and I had to keep adjusting my settings. Then when I got home and actually looked at them on my computer the shots I thought were blurry were actually quite sharp and in focus. I had the same problem at Grinspoon – I thought hardly any of the photos turned out after I took them, and to be honest a lot of those photos ended up being in focus too.

So, this is my problem. I keep thinking I’m taking horrible and under focused photos when I’ve done the opposite. It’s frustrating for me because when I think I’m taking bad photos I basically give up taking any more. Like at Pete Murray I didn’t make many attempts to get a shot of the band from the crowd because I thought hardly any of my photos from that night turned out.
I just need to be a bit easier on myself because beating myself up over taking poor photos can ruin my whole night.

PeteMurray_EnmoreTheatre_04

Pete Murray at Enmore Theatre, 29th July 2017

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

 The next gig for me to shoot may be New Found Glory from the USA. I got the e-mail from Speaker TV about it yesterday. I have a bit over a week to prepare. I need to remember to remain confident, just not tire myself out too early or drink too much; that will be easy as most alcohol in music venues is rough on the palette, worse on my stomach and overpriced. I might check out some live photos on them as well as videos to see what lenses I should use. I’m expecting there’s going to be a lot of jumping around. I have seen NFG once by accident really. They were a support act for a band I was seeing. They were good and they didn’t have crazy energy so it should be a pretty easy show to shoot.
I want to review the show as well. I have plans to start up my own arts and entertainment site – reviews, opinion pieces, articles about the culture surrounding music, gaming, films etc. I’ll keep the name to myself until it goes live.

I’m going to have to make a list of all the bands I’ve applied to shoot to remember that I did and so I get no overlaps. I think I have Hawthorne Heights this month as well as You Am I. I’m more excited for Alex Lloyd and Sorority Noise in September and even though AFI is the night after Llyod’s gig it would still be good to go. I meant to receive my long waited copy of Destiny 2 on September 6th too. If I get approved to shoot Alex Llyod and AFI then I’ll have to wait at least a week to play it. It suits me fine. Alex Lloyd’s music holds a special nostalgia for me and it will be great to see him live, even if I have to take photos from a balcony at the back of Leadbelly, because there’s going to be dinner tickets which means I can’t get in the patrons way that paid $112 for a ticket. The biggest challenge in photographing both Alex Llyod and AFI will be in the fatigue that will follow as my chronic fatigue has proven to become quite a problem for me.

My Canon 70-200mm f/2.8L IS is being delivered to me too. So by the end of the week I can have a play with that. We can see how good its image stabilisation really is.

Right now I am content to continue reading Alex Rider, applying for both writing and photography jobs, writing blogs, working on a screen play, exercising, watching Skins on Netflix and maybe playing some Iron Banner in Destiny 1.

No rest for the talented. Give me a break! I was really depressed about this before, so now I’m feeling overconfident and a bit arrogant. I’m not very good at balancing my emotions. Extreme highs or extreme giving up – that’s the best you can expect to get out of me.

2016 In Review

Most people looking back on 2016 only seems to have negative things to say about it, but for me 2016 was a year of getting out of a bad situation and a shitty job. I changed my new address and moved into a completely new neighbourhood, which was scary and I could have starved to death had I not accepted that change and adapted to it. I may have fallen into a deep and aimless depression, in which I thought all the skills that I built up over 11 years were now gone, but I fought it and I came out even stronger on the other side. My chronic fatigue may mean I get tired over doing 2-3 basic tasks and my likelihood of being employed even in a part time 8 hour per week job is pretty slim, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an employer out there who is accommodating of my issues.

Sometimes I think those who complain the most about things are people who don’t have enough to complain about. I still have the same atypical brain, the same energy limitations and I’m in the same hopeless situation but I have a loving family who I will always get to see at the end of the year. Sure, things could be better in certain parts but I have to accept it and wait for things to get better.

This year I made new friends who understand my mental health issues and give me hope in times when I feel there is none, and in turn I support and offer them hope and practical advice, because after all I can’t help being myself. I’ve connected to two people in subjects that I struggled to find anyone to connect to. I made a promise and a plan to a higher power and have followed through with it quite nicely. And most importantly, the passion of storytelling that runs through every fiber of my being is no longer just another abandoned dream because it just felt too hard to do with all my problems that stood in the way of me pursuing my dream of being a published and well known author and screenwriter.

This year I had to face some hard truths about situations that I couldn’t change, and I had to accept that and move on from them. To not get into too many details I will say it involves a serious mental illness with such strong delusions that they had to be medicated away, and even after coming off medication certain things in my life have to be viewed in another perspective and avoided altogether just because some place my mind took me 3 years ago.

Life is hard. Life can be frustrating and seems to be unfair at times, but the year is not to blame; it’s your attitude towards the world. Social media breeds a culture that encourages pessimism and petty arguments. It’s no wonder we’re always so negative when we should really be grateful for all we have. Most of us have more positive things going for us than some people in truly dire situations, and despite all they struggle with they don’t complain – they just get on with it.

I can’t close this blog without mentioning yet again that one big change for me was getting back into political activism and that wouldn’t have happened without meeting members of Socialist Equality Party, Socialist Alternative and a much delayed interest in the band Anti-Flag. The U.S Election results may have helped some but the real seeds were planted from an encounter from the leader of the SEP on Election Day. Australia has been under right-wing leadership for two years so there’s been plenty of reasons for me to get active again. It’s not just about saving the Great Barrier Reef, Same Sex Marriage or closing Nauru anymore. Or those countless petitions I’ve signed against Bayer and Monsanto.

Now I feel like 2017 will be a year of war, a class war because if forcing people on disability to work wasn’t enough they’re going to cut the pension. 2016 for me was just a shake-up. It roused me up from my leftist coma and made me aware that the government really doesn’t care about its people and complacency will just endure our suffering.

Wow. That got kind of serious. This was meant to be a feelgood post even though I don’t really feel that positive about work or about pursuing my dreams lately. Hope can come from many places though; sometimes dreaming big, sometimes anger. I know these last few paragraphs sound contradictory to my ‘just be thankful with what you got’ theme but there’s a line to it. No one should allow themselves to be treated unfairly by those who rule over them. Everyday annoyances should be easy to shake off though.

For the last couple of years this blog has mainly been about my mental health issues and sometimes video games, but as this blog is basically a database of my thoughts, especially the troubling ones, things are going to have to change as I change. I might get political from time to time. This is the new (old) me and you’re just going to have to put up with it.

With ❤ Spycraft